Image © Roses Garden
I am a simple man with simple tastes.
I go about my business each day and I try not to bother anyone.
Every Sunday morning I go to the supermarket to do my weekly shopping.
I buy the same things each week with the occasional variation in the fruit and vegetable section.
But this particular Sunday everything was different.
The shop had a different feel to it, like there was an anxiety in the air waiting to find a way into everyone’s shopping baskets.
I sensed it immediately and felt a cold chill circling around me.
As I approached the produce section I could see that there were very few people in there. Usually it was crowded with folk selecting their apples, oranges, potatoes and tomatoes from the vast array of produce on display.
A voice to my left drew my attention:
‘Hey good lookin’?’
I looked around and saw no one near me.
‘What cha got cookin’?’
Again I was startled. I clearly heard what I just wrote down.
‘Ya wanna cook somethin’ up with me?’
I looked around, then I looked down.
In front of me was a bowl with a few capsicums, button squash, a zucchini and a small malformed tomato.
I did a second take as I thought they each had a set of eyes. Eyes that were focused on me.
“SURPRISE!!!” they chorused as one.
The red capsicum then took over:
‘Look bud, I can call you bud yes?’
‘Yes,’ I stammered.
‘Good. Now listen bud, we vegetables have had enough. You know what I’m saying, every week we sit around here at the beck and call of you folk who pick us up, squeeze us, drop us into the darkness of your shopping bags, take us home, freeze our arses off in your refrigerators and them chop us into bits before cooking us and eating us. I’ve summed that up haven’t I guys?
“YES!’ they all retorted.
‘And we are sick of it. So as of today you gotta prove you deserve us.’
I began to back away unsure of what I had gotten myself into.
A little voice said: ‘I show you a good time mister?’
‘Pardon,’ I said.
‘I love you all night long?’
I suddenly realised it was the small tomato, the one with the deformed face that was making a pass at me.
‘We could have fun play date?’
Suddenly the red capsicum rumbled something very peppery and the tomato blushed a deeper red.
‘Don’t bother yourself with the tomato, she’s insane.’
‘She is?’
‘Yes. Now as I was saying you got an argument to prove you are deserving?’
Behind the capsicum a little voice said: ‘But I cheap.’
The red capsicum moved a little, rolled its eyes and the tomato vanished underneath his large imposing redness.
‘Actually,’ said the zucchini sounding important. ‘You simply state your intention to have something particular this week for dinner and we decide if that is reason to give you one of US, to satisfy your culinary desires.’
‘I’m hoping to make some tomato soup.’ I said with trepidation.
‘Tomato soup?’ boomed the red capsicum; ‘Well I have a crushed one here now.’
‘And a beef stir fry with capsicum and mushrooms.’
‘Sounds delicious,’ said the red capsicum. ‘Give him the tickets to select what he wants.’
Suddenly the button squash who up until now had been a set of eyes taking everything in burst into action and spewed forth a small gold ticket announcing the holder of the ticket could have the items he wanted.
‘He’s rather scrawny,’ said one to the other.
‘Skinny legs and long fingers. I’m a pudgy person myself,’ said the other.
‘So am,’ I said the first.
I gathered my ticket and quickly gathered what I wanted and left the produce section as quickly as I could.
I thought I’d left the nightmare behind me until that night when I began to prepare my dinner and I found the tomatoes I had selected arguing with each other who was the redder and who aught to be first under the knife.
I suddenly lost my appetite.
A sandwich would have to do.
Written for: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2015/10/01/tale-weaver-33-when-fruit-and-vegetables-spoke-to-me/
Morpethroad 
LMAO this was hilarious Michael, I really like that tomato and all the references made about her!
Thank you Yves, glad you enjoyed this tale…
Love it, love it, love it! Michael, that is probably one of your funniest posts. It had me laughing out loud. Superb take on the prompt.
Thank you Lyn you are very kind. Though its a very unnerving idea isn’t it….
Yes, very. I don’t think I could eat anything that talked to me 🙂
I had that very thought as I chopped up some pumpkin tonight….though the potato had a few eyes, they were the blind kind….
Well done! It really was funny, so easy to visualize–enjoyed the silliness at 2am, thanks!
Thank you so much J…not always a lot to laugh about at 2am….
Oh I don’t know–I’m usually tired enough by then that I’m liable to laugh at anything! I looked at the prompt…but I don’t know if I can stretch my talents far enough to write about produce….
Oh J my dear think of the garden of eden and the apple tree….
Hmmm, I’d forgotten those momentarily…..time for this one to close up shop, I bid you adieu for now 🙂
love this, Michael, so funny! 🙂
Thank you ladylee, apply to give you a laugh…
Good laugh to start my morning.
*eyes salad in bag very carefully*
Yes makes you wary doesn’t it…thanks for stopping by.
That’s a dilemma Michael-what to eat now, even in a sandwich. Veggies have eyes, meat (had) eyes…good thing I like peanut butter 😀 Loved this piece.
Oh I don’t know Mandy, I’ve come across some pretty aggressive peanut butter in my time. Those last bits at the bottom of the jar, watch them, they have attitude…
Michael, stop! 😅
lol
“Good. Now listen bud, we vegetables have had enough. You know what I’m saying, every week we sit around here at the beck and call of you folk who pick us up, squeeze us, drop us into the darkness of your shopping bags, take us home, freeze our arses off in your refrigerators and them chop us into bits before cooking us and eating us. I’ve summed that up haven’t I guys?”
*uncontrollable laughter wringing me inside out – as I hear these voices and the chorus and oh Michael – I’m having trouble focusing – having to wipe the tears from my eyes …. ” whatever follows – you had your pickings of me right in this moment!
********************************************************************************************************************
“I thought I’d left the nightmare behind me until that night when I began to prepare my dinner and I found the tomatoes I had selected arguing with each other who was the redder and who aught to be first under the knife.
I suddenly lost my appetite.
A sandwich would have to do.”
OMG – ROFLMAO —- I can’t – seriously – can’t stop laughing – uncontrolabjeley opuut loudly …
XD Micha el …..
Shoudda seen … that … coming …. from …. you …. You = Diamonds
Thank you Pat, I hope I haven’t put you off your dinner….I have to admit last night the pumpkin I cut up looked rather cross before I started, thankfully there was less of him when I finished…
roflmao …. nope hasn’t put me off food – but I will *never* be able to walk into the produce section without thinking of your prompt and post – or come to that – open the fridge and forage … without *losing* it ….. I’m still laughing – I can’t stop – which, bonus of bonuses – has helped release all those feel-good endorphins, which has eased my physical aches tremendously and soothed by moody, slightly despairing spirit – so, fortuitous timing on reading on my part – and well, now …. the problem?
How in heaven’s name can I possibly write anything as nearly interesting as what you have done???
*perhaps some self-flogging with some celery stalks might be in order*
Flagellating celery sticks now that’s a plan….or parsley to sooth a worried brow? The possibilities are endless….
Ha! Your veggie lines gave me a good chuckle! 😆
I think there was a radish following me around the produce department this morning. I could swear, he twirled an imaginary moustache and give me a wink!
Hilarious! Great story to go with funky, whimsied illustrations to create another in the series Bedtime Stories for Grown-ups.
Thank you so much, yes I must think of another such task for the bedtime stories….
I will see all my fruit and vegetables in a new light after this story, Michael. Got a good laugh from your story. The tomato was hilarious, if a little unsettling.
Thanks for stopping by Karen, one would hate to hear them saying such things.
This was awesome! I will be thinking of this conversation when I shop for veggies now. 🙂
That was adorable, Michael! Funny in a creepy sort of way:)
Thank you Oliana, yes it does have that creepy feel to it, sort of makes you wary when you go to peel your next potato…
I love that comment you made about t he eye of the potato making it blind…I guess there are many verses and stories one could say about a potato! 🙂