FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – (a husband’s point of view) BY PAM AYRES

So clever of Pam Ayres

Smell The Coffee

A friend of mine forwarded this poem to me and I thought I’d share…it sure made me laugh!

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

… T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread…

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth…

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Three Things Challenge, 18 Sept 2018

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Today’s things are: cheese, feather, game

Today for show and tell, Dango showed us a feather he found. He claimed it was the tail feather of a lesser spotted swamp turkey, and we all sat rivetted to his tale. When Miss Teresa asked him, he could show us a photo of a lesser spotted swamp turkey Dango knew his game was up. Miss Teresa had learned over time to take most things Dango said with a grain of salt like the day he came in to show and tell with a piece of cheese wrapped in cling wrap claiming it was a form of soft gold his dad had discovered when out prospecting.

There was never a dull moment at school what with Dango’s stories and Miss Teresa seeing through them.

 

Written for: https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/three-things-challenge-18-sept-2018/

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Twittering Tales #102 – Broken Barbies – 18 September 2018

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Photo by Skitterphotos at Pexels.com

The kids are quiet today playing in the girl’s room with the neighbours.
I like these dreamy afternoons watching the game, undisturbed.
The quiet gets to me.
Investigating I find the room empty save for the pile of broken dolls.
One face looks horribly familiar.
It blinks at me. (274 characters)

Written for: https://katmyrman.com/2018/09/18/twittering-tales-102-broken-barbies-18-september-2018/

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Photo Challenge #230 – The End of Time

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                                             Image: Google Images

When the world ended, it did so in the oddest way.

It was quite a seamless operation with the glowing balls appearing in various countries and in various neighbourhoods at various times of the day.

It was not a wholesale destruction with everything going at once.

Rather it was ordered as if the universe had deemed there was order after all.

At first, people railed against it. The sceptics called it a random occurrence that it would be over as quickly as it started and everyone should go about their business as if nothing had happened.

The orange man passed a law, signed it in his black scrawl and held it up for all to see announcing he’d made a deal with it, whatever it was, and mankind could from that moment be thankful he was here to guide us and be the hero he believed he was.

The next day the entire United States disappeared amidst cheering from all those countries who had suffered directly from him be it trade wars or actual wars in which he bombed them for no other reason than he could.

For a short time, the world settled down, with the United States no longer there many believed the earth would cease to be in a matter of days.

People in every country found religion was not what they imagined it to be even though many fell to their knees day and night believing prayer was the only way to prepare for the end which they knew was just a matter of time.

The matter of time mentioned above proved to be the source of much debate and discussion among those left but argument ceased, never resolved itself as in many cases the strongest presenter was the next to vanish.

The glowing balls continued to appear and remove every one within a radius of what seemed as random as everything else was at the time.

The Lawson family in outback Australia managed to take a photo of the ball that appeared before them at their bush camp and sent it to their Aunty Iris on the coast a second or two before their world ended. Iris posted the photo on what was left of Facebook, and it went viral around the diminishing number of countries that once made up Asia.

We were lucky, as for reasons never explained, our town was not subject to the glowing balls, and we become a temporary depository of what was bound to be useless information about the end of the world.

This morning I woke up to a glowing ball….

 

 

Written for: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/photo-challenge-230/

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A Man of Limited Thought

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Google Images Labelled for re-use

The man of limited thought was a contented person.

He knew he had a simply view of the world

He knew he harboured no expectation of anything other than a series of basic and limited thoughts on most topics.

When he looked around he saw what was there, it was a concrete view of things, the plants, the flowers, the sun, the stars.

He didn’t look to complicate things, what he saw was all there was.

When he looked at flowers and picked one, he marvelled at its colour, its shape, its texture and scent. He never gave a thought to how it got there or why it was.

Being a man of limited thought had so many advantages.

He was never asked to be on the panel of anything important. In fact, he was never asked to be on anything. As a child, he discovered it was a useful attribute to be useless at most things as then you’d not be disappointed when you were last picked for any team, as it was obvious you were selected to make up the final numbers, not for any skill you possessed.

In high school, he found an attraction to girls. He didn’t know what to do with it, but it gave him a good feeling when he thought about how pretty Brenda Rutherford was. His body took over his thought processes and behaved in ways he didn’t understand which was okay because he didn’t want to think too much about it when satisfaction was all he sought and that he found came readily at any hour of the day.

He found he was not a physical person, his co-ordination left a lot to be desired, but that was never an issue as he was happy going through life taking everything in his stride and not asking anything more than what was in front of him.

He was invited to a conference once and attended out of a sense of obligation, not need.

He sat through a series of talks on topics he vaguely connected with, he listened to people around him discuss the inner meaning, the metaphorical implications and found so much of what they said floated high above his head, and he realised he didn’t really care.

He went home from that experience aware that what mattered to many mattered little to him. He couldn’t grasp the importance of literary forms; he didn’t see any merit in turning yourself inside out trying to understand the meaning of some author whose words were essentially bitter and twisted.

Five decades on he came to the conclusion that he could spend time trying to come to grips with the universe and to a lesser extent his own world but to do so would mean he stopped living and he didn’t see any merit in that.

Each morning he took a walk, he watched the world go by, he didn’t engage with anyone because to do so would mean exposing himself to ridicule because he would appear a simpleton. He was well aware of that aspect of himself, but he figured that was who he was and at least he knew who he was unlike so many wannabes around him.

At social events, like family celebrations, he tended to sit by himself. If someone approached him, he would gladly engage them in conversation only to find they bored of him so quickly they found ready excuse to move away or engage with someone passing by.

Even though a man of limited thought he still found it hurt to be thought of as unworthy of social engagement. It was as if he had a sign over his head: A Man of Limited Thought – BEWARE!!

Afterwards, he was happy to return home where he could be who he was. At home surrounded by what he thought important to him, he was comfortable, content and able to spend his hours worrying about the next social even and how he might be able to get out of it.

A man of limited thought, his brain was never taxed, it didn’t ache or give him pain but in actual fact sang simple melodies to him of the physical pleasures he happily entertained.

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Bonus Wordle “The Letter A” – Anthony Aardvark

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This week’s words: Atypical Almond Avoid Ankle Angle Always Agonize  Amplify Avoid Arduous Artifice Abracadabra

Anthony Aardvark had a sore ankle. He agonized over it as he refused to go to the doctor.

Anthony was an atypical person as he loved to bake with almond meal. He baked all sorts of cakes and was never one to avoid putting plenty of almond milk in his baking.

But his ankle was hurting, and as he was averse to pain of any kind and always looked for the Abracadabra solution which required him to always wish upon a falling star, his pain didn’t go away.

His problem ankle was amplified when he walked anywhere, and so he had to avoid walking as it was the cause of his continuing adversity.

So arduous was it he took to riding a bike which when on a certain angle upon cornering he would lean at such an acute manner many thought he would come to grief.

Anthony Aardvark applied as much artifice to his every day as he could believing if enough people noticed they might feel sorry for his obvious afflictions.

 

Written for: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2018/09/17/bonus-wordle-the-letter-a/

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Sunday Writing Prompt – 16th September – Truth and Lies.

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We live in a world of truth and lies. There is the question asked every day: “What is truth?”

Years ago, I was a witness to a fatal car accident. My version of the event differed from the guy involved. I claimed he was speeding, he said he wasn’t, though the damage he did to the car in which the driver died, suggested there was considerable speed involved.

The other witnesses had similar versions to mine but from the context of where they were standing at the time.

We can argue a lot about events occurring, but some things are difficult to argue against. For example, the sun coming up in the morning is very difficult to argue against.

In today’s world the truth is couched in politics, which side you favour or not, if you have faith in one person over another, you will support what they say no matter how ludicrous it might be to the sane mind.

The best example of how truth and lie can be interchanged is in 1984 when the war which is graphically portrayed between one side and another is flipped overnight so that yesterday’s enemy becomes today’s ally and people accept it because Big brother says so.

How much of this translates to our world?

 

Written for: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2018/09/16/sunday-writing-prompt-16th-september-truth-and-lies/

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