Reena’s Exploration Challenge #Week 32

exploration-challenge-32

It was never easy. The triggers are there. The door to the past is never completely closed as much as we’d like it to be.

The public ridicule is real; I expect it any time I go out. I’m sure its deserving.

That’s the thing of course; I never thought at the time that all these years later the fear would still be there, so I happily stay in my protected world.

It’s easy to avoid people, you go out only when you want to, like the early morning, you never browse in the shops, you know what you want, you get it and go home.

Conversation becomes difficult, you become aware of being the boring person in the room so chat grows more and more strained and you understand when people move away and look for someone more stimulating.

My second attempt at a relationship was a disaster. It started off so well, as they do, all love and sparkly eyes.

But she said she saw my ‘potential’. Wanted to make me a better me.

We can all be better, but we don’t have to sell our souls to achieve it. That was her aim. Change me into a version she approved of. Therefore everything the old me, the real me, stood for was challenged. It struck fear into me. My identity was challenged, I began to believe the bullshit, and I spent hours questioning why I did certain things. She spent hours in public places doing the same.

I became paralysed.

I felt my sense of self shrinking into a place I hated more than anything she was doing. I began to wonder why it was I was so hated as towards the end she rejected everything about me. I wasn’t complying.

The long-term effects are there as I said at the start. Avoid people, stay away from crowds especially social functions. I know I don’t belong.

There are some things I cannot talk about even today.

I have been fortunate in that I have moved from darkness into a light where the blue sky warms me and gives me purpose.

 

Written for: https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2018/04/13/reenas-exploration-challenge-week-32/

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13 Responses to Reena’s Exploration Challenge #Week 32

  1. Reena Saxena says:

    The candour is touching, and has become a hallmark of your writing. The pointers say that you do not need to hide from the world. Honesty and authenticity is appreciated.

    On a lighter note, I came across a joke on why people want to change the spouse. The words ‘aisle, altar, hymn’ become ‘I’ll alter him’. It could also be ‘her’. It takes years to realise that one cannot.

    • Michael says:

      It’s always puzzled me why you might partner with someone thinking I’ll make more than they are. Does that therefore make the manipulated more naive than imagined?

  2. Indira says:

    Very beautifully written. In the first half, it was as someone was writing about me. So absorbing words.

  3. -Eugenia says:

    Never understood when one partners with another that they have the right to try and change that person. What was it about that person that they were drawn to in the beginning? Go figure. Nice piece, Michael.

  4. Lyn says:

    My first boyfriend thought he could “train” me to be more ladylike. He was six years older than me and I was a bit of a tomboy. LOL it was a bit like oil and water. After a couple of years he gave up and dumped me – for which I was eternally grateful 😀

  5. athling2001 says:

    Beautifully expressed. How sad that someone’s world would become so narrow and painful. I was glad for the last time as it gave me hope.

  6. Pingback: Reena’s Exploration Challenge #Week 33 – Reena Saxena

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