It came as a surprise when she said she had misgivings. It was all to do with ‘us’, ‘we’ and ‘marriage’.
“You’re duller than I first thought,” she said over what was to be our last coffee together. “I was prepared to let you see what you were doing to me and maybe improve yourself but I’m afraid you’ve not. I’m depressed, I know I am, and it’s all your fault.”
I was stunned by her revelation as I thought I had been a very dutiful husband. Attending to her every need, responding to her sexual advances, providing a healthy paycheck each week for her to indulge in her favourite pastime, spending.
“Yes,” she said, “you do all that, but it’s always the same. Its like your stuck in a routine you think is okay and I’m expected to be grateful for the same old day in and day out. I said I liked my tea first thing of a morning and that’s what happens, I said I like sex a certain way and that’s all you do, there’s never any spontaneity, its dullsville is what it is.”
There wasn’t much I could say so I sat in silence.
“And that’s what happens when I say anything. You shut up, you don’t try to discuss, I’m sure you aren’t listening to what I have to say and that’s equally frustrating.”
She was right I did shut up, there was nothing I could say as I found myself tongue-tied once again. It was like a defensive trait in me, shut up, say nothing, that way they can’t attack what you say. It can’t get any worse, can it if I stay silent.
But it did. She got up and dropped her cup in the sink and disappeared into the bedroom. I suspected she was on the bed reading, which was what she did when angry with me.
But this time she re-emerged with her bag and a stuffed suitcase: “I’m going to stay with Myra for a while. I need some space, some time away from you. Don’t call me, I’ll call you when I’m ready to come back.”
With that she walked out and I immediately had misgivings of my own as I watched her back the car out and drive off in the direction of Myra’s, her long time best friend.
I had let her go, no fight, just resignation. Inside I knew she wouldn’t be back.