Kermit lay in his bed. Another New Year’s Eve he thought. Another year home alone.
In Muppetville there were rumours that Miss Piggy was being lured in to a promiscuous relationship with Floyd the drummer in the Muppet band. Kermit was ropeable. Not on his watch he thought. Piggy was his girl.
As the New Year approached and he anticipated his silence to be broken by the crashing thunder of fireworks he made his one and only resolution.
This New Year he would ask Piggy to marry him.
It was time he thought, the flirtatious game she played, the looks, the suggestions, the lustful advances she made to him had taken their toll and Kermit was now determined to bring matters to a head. Though he shuddered at that last thought.
So he decided that come the morning he would go to Piggy’s house and ask for her hand in marriage.
He knew Miss Piggy would be over the moon, as she had wanted Kermit for so long. Now he was practically throwing himself at her she could hardly resist.
After all Kermit was sure that he still possessed his boyish good looks, his youthful charm and now he had a world of experience to add to his charisma as well. There was an advantage he thought in being a Muppet, age did not weary you, he looked as good today as he did sixty years ago when he first appeared pretending to be a lizard.
All night he lay in his bed considering the consequences of his action. He rehearsed his proposal, saw himself as down on one leg, ring in hand offering his love a future on a lily pad. Though he did rethink that bit knowing Miss Piggy wasn’t all that keen on water unless it involved copious amounts of mud. Over the years Kermit had watched Piggy wallowing in a mud bath and had secretly tried it himself and thought it was a cool way to while away a few hours with the ooze of the mud seeping into every pore of his skin. So he ticked off mud wallowing as a similarity they would both enjoy followed by a long cleansing shower.
The thing that did bother him though was what if Piggy had desires on his body. What if they mated what would be the outcome? A green pig? A pig snouted Frog? A beast the combination of the two? Flippers, trotters, tails, colours, croaks, grunts, the images floated through his head and before long he was in the grip of a nightmare of epic proportions.
He awoke sweating profusely. His mind raced.
‘What was I thinking?’ he asked himself.
‘Would Piggy settle for a platonic relationship?’
He was kidding himself he knew. Piggy was a raunchy girl. She had desires and drives that he did not have. She’d run him into the ground.
He sat up. Looked around.
The sun was just coming up on the New Year.
Outside he heard the now annual sound of Miss Piggy coming home from New Years Eve, her voice slurring the words she always said: ‘Kermie? Kermie? Where’s my little froggy woggy?’ Then the familiar pounding on the door.
Kermit did as he did every year. Slid down under his blankets pretending he was asleep, hoping she’d go away and resolving never to think of any New Years resolutions again. ‘And to think,’ he thought lying there shivering with fear, ‘that I almost thought it was a good idea.’