Its not easy being an Oracle.

Its all about patience, perseverance, persistency and luck.

You don’t become an Oracle you are born an Oracle.

From the time dot you are destined to a life of question.

My mother was a wonderful woman and recognised my skill immediately. It is well recorded in my family that at my birth she had one look at me and said Gustav he’s an Oracle. Solved the name issue for them as well as it was easy just to refer to me as Oracle, sort of got me used to the idea as well.

So I grew up to be an Oracle, to take on the mantle of all wisdom and knowing, of answering peoples questions and determining the fates of so many.

Though I have to say there is a lot of silliness about the concept of an Oracle.

People come to see me with questions like “Will my cat live through the night?’

“No!” I say. If it does live another day or two then they think I don’t know what I’m talking about and never bother me again.

In the same way I get requests for career help. Can you believe it, I get letters like: ‘Dear Oracle, do you think I will get the job at Olaf’s bakery next Tuesday?’

I am so tempted to reply, ‘Are you an idiot? If so you have no chance.’ Instead I give enigmatic responses like: “Trust in the fate of the Universe.” Whatever that means.

Every so often I do get a good question.

Dear Oracle,

The Purple Princess Patsy of been abducted by the Ferocious Fiery Fiend of the Never-ending Ever Smelling Swamp.

Do you know an effective battle strategy, and where is it?

I so love the Purple Princess Patsy and will do anything to get her back safely in my arms.

I eagerly await your response and advice

Yours sincerely

Alfred the Afro Prince aka Prince Charming.

Dear Alfred aka Prince Charming

The obvious battle strategy is to stay home in bed; the mornings are rather chilly this time of year. Surely there are more Princesses in the kingdom? The Ferocious Fiery Fiend is not a pleasant chap at all. Chances are Patsy is past it by now anyway.

But since you are playing the love angle with me and I know, as do you, love is blind, here’s what I suggest.

The Fiery Fiend takes a nap each day at three in the afternoon. All his fires both physically and metaphorically are turned off, lets face it even a Fiery Fiend needs his down time, imagine his day, every day, every night maintaining a Ferociousness that has people quaking in their collective slippers. It’s a burden he has to bear I know but you should see things a little from his perspective. And lets face it the only way he’s going to get a woman is to steal one for when you see him you’ll understand his predicament. The word ugly is a compliment let me tell you.

So wait till he is asleep, tread carefully, his place is not the tidiest, any crack, any shuffle will wake him and you’ll be supper.

He’ll have Patsy in a gold cage just behind his sleeping head. You’ll have to awaken her as he makes sure all his captives are asleep as well, he doesn’t want them wandering off, no telling what trouble they might get into.

The key is around his neck.

Now here is the tricky bit. The best way to get the key is the cut off his head, comes away easy them. But as that is fraught with more danger than it’s worth the better way is to use the key he has stuck under the cage. Be careful as he uses static sticky substances which crack and shot out sparks as you remove the key.

Once you have the key and you have managed to stay alive, open the cage, throw Patsy over your shoulder and make a run for it.

With luck and with the unlikely event the Fiend doesn’t wake up, you have about thirty seconds to get out, cross the swamp and reach safety.

Piece of cake.

Oh and one more thing, get yourself a good set of heavy duty nose pegs, the smell of the Never-ending Ever Smelling Swamp is so named for very good reason. The smell is capable of peeling paint off a wall.

Good luck

Best wishes

The Oracle

That’s the sort of letter I get day in day out. Requests to solve the impossible. I do my best, the ones who succeed consider me a hero, all knowing, pay me well, include me on their Christmas Card list, the ones who fail, well its obviously human error. So when their family come round seeking answers as to the non-return of their Prince I ask did he get my instructions. If he failed he has most likely slipped up somewhere as I tell them my instructions are fool proof.

To that they often reply: “Well he was always a bit slow, dim witted, it stands to reason the fool got something wrong, lucky to be able to tie his own shoe laces”

They go off singing my praises and cursing the idiocy of their lost one.

I learned a valuable lesson from my dad as I grew up: “Bullshit, my son will always baffle brains.”

As I said before its not easy being an Oracle, but as my mum reminded me so often: “Someone has to do it!”

Written for: http://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2014/08/22/fairytale-22/