It was their first date, and although it was basically a takeaway coffee and a sit in the park, one point five metres apart, he was nervous as could be and never really understood when asked in all innocence, what he’d been doing lately he blurted out he’d just had a colonoscopy.
It was hardly the subject to endear himself to her, and most likely the least favourite subject to begin a potential relationship.
“Oh,” she said, not sure what to say.
“I returned a positive result on my poo test,” he replied. His brain by now had gone into ‘it’s too late to back out of this one, forge on, you never know where it might lead’.
“Oh,” she said again. His revelation about the state of his stomach and bowel had left her speechless.
“It’s all okay though, no cancers or anything to worry about.”
“Oh! I’ve never had one. Does it hurt?”
“No, they knock you out and then stick a camera up your bottom and have a look around in your large intestine.”
“Oh! I don’t think I’d like that.”
“Piece of cake really,” he said, “it’s the preparation that’s hard work. You have to drink this stuff that cleans out your bowel so they can get a good look up there. It a liquid diet for about twenty-four hours and a sore as can be bum.”
It was at this point that he realised he had probably revealed more than he should. But nerves will do that to you. Your mouth goes into overdrive and leaves your brain protesting loudly, but its concerns don’t stop your mouth blathering on ignoring all the good advice to shut up coming it’s way.
He noticed that by now the one point five distance had increased to a good two-point-five and she had that look as if deciding when might be the ideal moment to make a dash to safety.
It happened when he opened his mouth to announce the next phase, a pill test, where he told her about having to swallow a tiny camera which would take photos of his small intestine, about sixty thousand he said as if that was something to be impressed by.
“I’m going to have to go,” she told him, “I remembered I promised my mother I’d stop by and wash her hair. It’s been lovely meeting you, thanks for the coffee and I’ll phone you.”
With that, she was up and walking off.
What a shame he thought and I was just getting to the part where I explain how I get rid of the camera.