I think one of the great fears that hangs over our heads is that of rejection. It comes in all forms, and when you’ve lived a fair while on this earth, you have had periods where rejection has weighed heavily upon you.
I think for me the sort of rejection you sometimes feel emanating from your children hurts the most.
Thankfully it doesn’t come all that often but when it does you find yourself sitting up wondering what it is that you are feeling and why.
I have been in what you might call two ‘real’ relationships in my life.
They were both disastrous and ended in a lot of pain and trauma.
My kids the product of my first relationship, a marriage that lasted twenty plus years are very sympathetic to my plight and subsequent life beyond those years.
After my second relationship ended my kids spoke up and told me I was not to engage with they referred to as losers. By losers they included their mother.
The result is I have spent the intervening years basically living alone. I have found that any feigned interest in another woman has resulted in the said woman fleeing from me as if I emit some sort of vibe suggesting they would be placing themselves in mortal danger having anything to do with me.
All this I have kept secret, for I know revelation will pique their interest and also bring about a degree of ridicule from them. They think I am incapable of establishing any sort of relationship let alone maintaining it.
They may be right, but it never kills the irresistible urge when you discover a woman who does show an interest in you from pursuing her. There’s a fundamental urge within us to partner, to have someone we can lean on, confide in, enjoy and share our lives with.
There is always the threat of rejection, there is always the knowledge of her and or yourself waking up to realise it’s all been a dream and she doesn’t really exit and so you have to let her fade into your memory.
For some of us possessing an inner demon, an ‘unworthy demon’ is a fact of life. So much rejection, so many attacks upon your manhood and function brings you to the point of resignation where you expect the worst thing to happen, so you steal yourself for when that hammer drops onto you.
Sadly, while this is happening, you are missing the fundamental joy of discovering a new person and embracing all they have to offer you.
I am trying to get past this demon who has for so long dominated my life.
(When I saw this prompt Reena, my mind went to the place above. I hope this is ok?)