The town of Effing prided itself on being different. For years it suffered the derision of neighbouring communities such as the time it combined its football team with the team from the neighbouring village of Bastard who in all honesty was having a hard enough time of it anyway. To say the Effing Bastards was a mistake was an understatement.
But since then Effing had gone about doing all it could to improve its image. The annual town pride festival was about, to begin with town beautification high on the agenda.
A series of competitions were organised, promotional slogans devised, such as “My Town is Effing beautiful”.
It gave rise to people taking pride in their homes, hedges and edges were trimmed, weeds removed, gardens cultivated and for those participating took great Effing pride.
The local library featured the books of the two leading Effing authors, Wilbur Wilson and Gertrude Stunned who were marketed as Effing good writers. People were encouraged to attend the Effing library and show their support to the two authors when they did readings.
A cooking competition was held and Effing’s favourite cook, Di Piper, promised to make the best Effing scones the town had ever tasted. With the help of her husband, Tom, her chief taster and critic she was off on her Effing mission.
The one thing that Effing was growing in fame over was its clock exhibition. The annual Effing Tick Toc display was one to behold. Held in the Effing School of Arts Hall it featured a magnificent array of clocks large and small, modern and antique. The sound of them all ticking at once gave rise to the age-old expression, ‘You can’t hear yourself Effing think.’
The festival was always a success, and no one could say you couldn’t eff it up like Effing could.