It’s late, and for some reason I find myself wading waist deep against a stream flowing away from me. I know I have to keep going, to keep struggling as in the distance is the place I want to be. I’m not sure what it is at this stage I am striving for, but it has to be better than where I have been.
As I continue my efforts, one foot placed in front of the other I feel the current pulling me back as if this is not where I should be but back in some place it thinks I should be.
At times, there are objects in the water, further making my attempts harder by the second. My back is bent, and I am determined to get to where I know I need to be.
Then I wake up.
I can feel my breathing is rapid, the exertion has impacted on me. My mind races to understand what has just occurred.
Then I know. It’s been a week since I left my marriage and this dream/nightmare of struggling against the tide/flow has happened more than once.
It’s a metaphor illustrating the struggle it has been all these years to break free from an oppressive and abusive marriage. It is not easy, I have left children behind, and I worry for them, there are financial concerns as I know my former wife will be out for everything she can get and more.
But I know despite everything weighing on me now that I am safe.
The act of leaving my marriage after 23 years has been freeing in so many ways. No longer do I feel a huge weight on my shoulders, now I have the opportunity to be me and create a life for myself.
My attitude today some eighteen years later is that it was the best decision I ever made not just for me but for my children. It was very difficult for some years until my children began to ‘vote with their feet’ and moved away from her too.
Today I have the most wonderful relationships with my children.