Bells and whistles were shattering my night. I was suddenly pleased I hadn’t turned off my alerts.
I looked at my phone.
Lady Myrtle Purple was missing.
I rang the number the alerts alerted me to.
My right hand man Abe “The Ghost” answered.
It appeared Lady Myrtle Purple had been abducted by the notorious, Saxon McGlaxon.
Abe told me the rescue of Lady Myrtle would require me going on a quest, a quest like no other, a quest where life might well desert me and death embrace me.
Lady Myrtle had once lived in the hamlet of Montaville a one horse town with a one sheriff and one time fairy godmother who now days spent her time granting bogus wishes in a fairy retirement home.
In her teenage years she had move to the city of Portmanteau and she had lived happily with her family until this terrible night in question.
The whole world was on edge, as they knew if I failed McGlaxon was sure to feed Lady Myrtle to his pet sabre-toothed iguanas.
My quest began at the town centre, a left onto the High street and then a left onto the Fairy Merry Way.
My journey took me far into the interior of the land. Past forests that looked like marauding beasts and past marauding beasts that looked like forests.
I reached the Forest of Supposed Tranquillity. Here the road was stopped by a tollgate. The toll keeper was a man of jovial nature. To get by him you had to tell him a joke. No joke. No go.
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: “Hey why the long face.” The tollgate opened as the toll man doubled over in laughter.
The destination of my journey was the castle of Saxon McGlaxon. It was a majestic castle atop a majestic hill surrounded by swirling curling clouds.
The clouds were more than a smoke screen. They were McGlaxon’s greatest weapon. They contained seriously nasty gases and one breath of them and you were, like the Medusa, turn to stone.
As I drew nearer I could hear the plaintiff cries of help from the top of the castle coupled by the insidious cackling laughter of McGlaxon as he taunted her with threats of death, nastiness and sabre-toothed iguanas.
Luckily I had carried with me my own secret anti gas cloud helmet. Donning it I made my way up the narrow mountain track adorned left and right by the statues of previous unfortunate would be heroes. Soon I could see the entrance to the castle.
At the door of the castle sat a large two-headed dog. A sign above the door said” Do not feed Chewie, he feeds exclusively on intruders.” I gulped for at Chewie’s feet were a pile of bones. I couldn’t help but feel they were the bones of past Princes Charming come to rescue their Princesses in distress.
I stood back far enough out of Chewie’s nasal range. From my pocket I took the ultimate doggy treat, dried liver. I slid a piece then another piece towards the two headed monster.
Chewie was interested I could see, he gulped the first piece down the second head ate the second piece. What Chewie didn’t know was the liver was spiked with a special magic potion to put him to sleep and within seconds the dog was sleeping peacefully.
Stepping past the sleeping canine I ventured into the castle. There had been nothing to alert the castle of my presence. The Lady Myrtle was in the north tower.
When I entered her chamber she looked at me and exclaimed: “Well you took your time.”
I should have mentioned earlier that Lady Myrtle Purple was also very abrupt.
“Come,” I said. “There is not a moment to spare.”
We hurried down the castle steps. The guards were all asleep at their posts. What a stroke of luck!
Myrtle kept complaining, thankfully in a hushed voice, about having to wait for me and having to cry like a baby when she hated to cry and would rather sing. Her singing was sadly not as her crying voice and would surely have been a factor in leaving her there with McGlaxon. She had in fact a singing voice that would have put off the sabre-toothed iguanas from eating her.
At the castle gate she asked about the gas. I took my spare anti gas cloud helmet out and placed it on her head. The helmet I brought for her came down over her face so her complaining was drowned out. I’m an ideas man and always come prepared.
Back at her home I was awarded a medal for my bravery and offered the hand of Myrtle as my reward. I gracefully declined saying my work as a hero of distressed maidens could only be done by a man unencumbered by marriage and family responsibilities.
To my relief her father believed me.
I left quickly should there be any further overture made by Myrtle who kept looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I hoped that at any moment Abe might call with another case after all it was the season for maidens in distress.
Written for: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2016/03/17/tale-weaverfairy-tale-prompt-57-quest/
LOL I always, always love your fairy tales, Michael. For some reason, that hokey joke, about the horse walking into a bar, never fails to make me laugh, so thank you 🙂
Hello Lyn, yes its my favourite joke, never fails to raise a smile so I gave it another airing tonight. Thanks for your lovely encouraging comment. I hope you are keeping well, pleased the weather has cooled down a bit.
Oh yes, I’m loving this cooler weather 😀
Lady Myrtle Purple was missing.
The names you create Michael – are always – always the best! I swear I think I’m in love with your brain …. and your personality, of course 😉
Okay …. just so you know …. I’m already doubled over laughing …. because this “matter of fact sounding line” sets the tone, to come:
I rang the number the alerts alerted me to.
Honestly …. dead brilliant!
…. Saxon McGlaxon. ….. to the city of Portmanteau ….. onto the Fairy Merry Way. ….. Past forests that looked like marauding beasts and past marauding beasts that looked like forests. ….
roflmbo …. I swear you pain scenes that unfold in my head – and it looks like a cross between The Muppets meeting a Tim Burton creation!
…. do not feed Chewie …. oh hell …. the names the names …. and they appear in the most matter of fact ways, so well timed …. but then, Michael, you are a master of timing!
I’m an ideas man and always come prepared.
Ahh yes, Michael, master tale weaver you are! Great story …. loved it. So well done … and of course, I love the ending …. just enough details throughout to imply that the Lady was not the best cup of tea in the woods 😉
Another hit 😀
Thank you Pat, I think writing any tale is worth it to read your comment and see how much food was involved though I see you come unprepared so to speak with no food or drink…lol..glad you enjoyed this tale, they are such a fun write…..its interesting as to what the influences are in how I write…a comment was made about me using Monty Python and I think to a degree that could be right as could be the Muppets and Tim Burton but I have always loved British comedy and I think a lot of what I write is more influenced by the hours I spent as a kid and adult watching British comedy…..though the joke, A horse walks into a bar was told to me by a work colleague years ago and I’ve loved it ever since. My students and I used to spend a term doing a unit on comedy and that joke was always on the board as my best joke of all time…..they of course had their own which were equally funny….so thanks for the encouragement Pat I very much appreciate it….as for being in love with my brain, dear lady be kinder to yourself than that……
as for being in love with my brain, dear lady be kinder to yourself than that……
roflmao ….. this is just the end note I needed to read, peering in a state of wicked headache that won’t quit …. BUT BUT BUT …. I’m a closet …. never mind 😉 (It’s rare I do self kindness) …. and yes, there is definitely a dash of Monty Python too – Brit comedies rule! XD
I loved the joke … it’s a timeless classic …. sure to elicit thigh slapping doubled over laughter …. or desperate groans …. me …. I’ll laugh XD
It is safe to say no food was harmed in the reading of this comment either 😉
and you – in all your complexities are golden dynamite Michael – truly 😀
… always a pleasure ….
“”in all your complexities are golden dynamite Michael – truly :D”” I shall copy this into my CV…..though the word dynamite may tend to put some off, though I would argue ‘golden dynamite’..wow..imagine that going off in your face…..
Saxon McGlaxon, no less! Were you influenced by Monty Python too?
Hi Kim thanks for reading my FT and your comment. As I say above I think I have been influenced greatly by British comedy and Monty Python was a part of that….my mis-spent youth…..watching British comedy and all they had to offer, plus reading people like Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaimen…..
Great story. Creative, magical, and interesting.
Thanks Mandi hope you are having a good day/evening…
Well the names in this one are even better than the names in the one I commented on first. The season for maidens in distress is a great concept – perhaps you have been watching a lot of reality TV. Maidens in distress seems to be the current way of behaving for many young women – all those tears over cooking etc. ! I enjoyed your story and glad I finally figured out what prompt I was actually responding too. 🙂
Hmm I hadn’t thought of the modern situation as I don’t watch any of those TV shows but I see what you mean…..anyway thanks for stopping by loved your comment. You could send a little of that cold up my way….
Gladly sending the weather on – we got lots of rain last night too which is a blessing
Yes we need some of that too….
I Love it. How refreshing to find a prince charming who is intelligent enough to carry two anti-gas masks with him. The classic fairy tale is not dead in the 21st century.
Thank you Sandra, yes indeed my hero is an ideas man and always prepared…