Bells and whistles were shattering my night. I was suddenly pleased I hadn’t turned off my alerts.
I looked at my phone.
Lady Myrtle Purple was missing.
I rang the number the alerts alerted me to.
My right hand man Abe “The Ghost” answered.
It appeared Lady Myrtle Purple had been abducted by the notorious, Saxon McGlaxon.
Abe told me the rescue of Lady Myrtle would require me going on a quest, a quest like no other, a quest where life might well desert me and death embrace me.
Lady Myrtle had once lived in the hamlet of Montaville a one horse town with a one sheriff and one time fairy godmother who now days spent her time granting bogus wishes in a fairy retirement home.
In her teenage years she had move to the city of Portmanteau and she had lived happily with her family until this terrible night in question.
The whole world was on edge, as they knew if I failed McGlaxon was sure to feed Lady Myrtle to his pet sabre-toothed iguanas.
My quest began at the town centre, a left onto the High street and then a left onto the Fairy Merry Way.
My journey took me far into the interior of the land. Past forests that looked like marauding beasts and past marauding beasts that looked like forests.
I reached the Forest of Supposed Tranquillity. Here the road was stopped by a tollgate. The toll keeper was a man of jovial nature. To get by him you had to tell him a joke. No joke. No go.
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: “Hey why the long face.” The tollgate opened as the toll man doubled over in laughter.
The destination of my journey was the castle of Saxon McGlaxon. It was a majestic castle atop a majestic hill surrounded by swirling curling clouds.
The clouds were more than a smoke screen. They were McGlaxon’s greatest weapon. They contained seriously nasty gases and one breath of them and you were, like the Medusa, turn to stone.
As I drew nearer I could hear the plaintiff cries of help from the top of the castle coupled by the insidious cackling laughter of McGlaxon as he taunted her with threats of death, nastiness and sabre-toothed iguanas.
Luckily I had carried with me my own secret anti gas cloud helmet. Donning it I made my way up the narrow mountain track adorned left and right by the statues of previous unfortunate would be heroes. Soon I could see the entrance to the castle.
At the door of the castle sat a large two-headed dog. A sign above the door said” Do not feed Chewie, he feeds exclusively on intruders.” I gulped for at Chewie’s feet were a pile of bones. I couldn’t help but feel they were the bones of past Princes Charming come to rescue their Princesses in distress.
I stood back far enough out of Chewie’s nasal range. From my pocket I took the ultimate doggy treat, dried liver. I slid a piece then another piece towards the two headed monster.
Chewie was interested I could see, he gulped the first piece down the second head ate the second piece. What Chewie didn’t know was the liver was spiked with a special magic potion to put him to sleep and within seconds the dog was sleeping peacefully.
Stepping past the sleeping canine I ventured into the castle. There had been nothing to alert the castle of my presence. The Lady Myrtle was in the north tower.
When I entered her chamber she looked at me and exclaimed: “Well you took your time.”
I should have mentioned earlier that Lady Myrtle Purple was also very abrupt.
“Come,” I said. “There is not a moment to spare.”
We hurried down the castle steps. The guards were all asleep at their posts. What a stroke of luck!
Myrtle kept complaining, thankfully in a hushed voice, about having to wait for me and having to cry like a baby when she hated to cry and would rather sing. Her singing was sadly not as her crying voice and would surely have been a factor in leaving her there with McGlaxon. She had in fact a singing voice that would have put off the sabre-toothed iguanas from eating her.
At the castle gate she asked about the gas. I took my spare anti gas cloud helmet out and placed it on her head. The helmet I brought for her came down over her face so her complaining was drowned out. I’m an ideas man and always come prepared.
Back at her home I was awarded a medal for my bravery and offered the hand of Myrtle as my reward. I gracefully declined saying my work as a hero of distressed maidens could only be done by a man unencumbered by marriage and family responsibilities.
To my relief her father believed me.
I left quickly should there be any further overture made by Myrtle who kept looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I hoped that at any moment Abe might call with another case after all it was the season for maidens in distress.