Morpethroad

Today I want to post this performance piece. This is one of my all time favourites mainly because the performer had the most amazing sense of comic timing. She and I worked on this for several months continuously rehearsing and editing. I am big on editing. Though when I look at any of my work I can see bits that could be better expressed.  Caitlin’s Marnie will always be dear to my heart.

MARNIE

Marnie enters twirling, happy and clearly excited, like a child.

She wears a flower print dress. She is holding a bunch of artificial gerbras , which she plays with throughout the performance.

He loves me, he loves me not… (plucking petals from a flower)

Tonight!

I’m going on a date!

With George.

He’s a real man, and he’s single, and he’s straight, and he’s not a woman.

You see, ever since Toni…

Well it just got a bit awkward.

Because… well it was our third date, and Toni and I were getting a bit hot under the collar, so to speak.

And, uh, when the time came to explore, well it wasn’t quite what I was expecting… I mean it wasn’t …the… the bits I was hoping for.

I mean socially I was fine with it, but reproductively it was a bit of a cul-de-sac.

Now I just find it better to clear these things up early on in the relationship.

But that’s all in the past.

(A beat.)

Along with Jared.

He was my last boyfriend.

We dated for two and a half years.

‘Til, I found out.

I mean, in hindsight, there probably were clues.

But when you are in love that doesn’t worry you.

All you think about is him coming home and being with him, cleaning the blood off his clothes; all the stuff that makes you feel good.

You just accept the late nights and the long hours and the traveling away, because you’re in love, aren’t you?

I think everyone has a story like that.

He took me on this lovely picnic once,  down near where they found that first girl.

I’ll never forget it.

He was so sweet, it was warm and we lay under the willows and listened to the gurgling of the creek, and we sipped champagne.

Well, not real champagne, obviously; the bubbles sting my nose.

He did say that that place was very special to him as well… though later I did find out why.

Apparently he took a lot of girls there.

(PAUSE – LOOK AT AUDIENCE)

I was lucky though, I got to go home.

(PAUSE)

His arrest did put a bit of a dampener on the whole courting process.

Oh, no, I’ve made a pun!

Courting.

Because we were courting, and then he went to court.

But no they did catch, him, so that’s a shame.

Of course you can imagine the media had a field day over the whole affair.

Called him the “Cleaver”, said he ate two people.

No, he didn’t.

He ate, a bit, of one of them.

And anyway it all happened when he when he was a student, which is a time when we’re all experimenting with something, so it hardly counts.

He was a bit shy about the whole business when I got to talk to him.

He always was misunderstood.

That’s because up until he met me, nobody had ever shown him any love.

As my dad used to say, a man who can give himself a hug every day truly has the arms of a gibbon.

(A beat.)

My friends were not supportive in any way shape or form.

You can imagine it.

“Oh, it’ll never work, it’s a ridiculous idea, you’re mad”

Still, I think that’s always going to be the case when a woman dates someone considerably younger than herself.

At the time I was adamant about maintaining our relationship.

The way I looked at it was, life’s a journey, and sometimes we make a wrong turning.

As my mum always said, what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.

It’s actually quite amazing how far denial will take you.

My best friend at the time, Eunice Jacobs, said to me, Marnie she said, Marnie you are out of your mind, you are no bright spark on the dullest of days but you do not have to be Alfred Einstein to figure out that this guy is a real looney and you should not be within a bull’s roar of him.

Eunice did have a way with words.

But that is not what tonight is about.

Tonight is about a foxy lady letting her hair down and having a damn good time with her gentleman caller.

And who knows, if it all goes well, maybe we’ll have a little,

You know, a little game of hide the purple parsnip.

Oh! I’ve just gotten a textual message.

It’s from him!

Ooo! He says I better wear something cool cause I’m gonna sweat tonight!

Oh, his air conditioner’s broken.

So yeah, that’s probably good advice.

And so I’ve had a few bad dates and yes I have a lot of cats and it’s been a while since I’ve been out, with a man, or a human, and sometimes I call and leave a message for myself just so it looks like someone’s called and I go to bed at 8:30 and okay so I have a pair of shoes specifically for driving but that doesn’t mean I’m desperate.

I think I’m ready to settle.

There just comes a time in every girl’s life when she realises she’s ready to give up her free wheeling bachelorette ways and settle into the monotonous and never-ending pleasantness that is marriage.

Because contrary to popular belief, there are not plenty of fish in the sea.

At least not ones that are interested in my bait, as it were.