Maybe

You wait

Nothing.

You wonder

Nothing.

Did I do/say/imply wrong?

All I hear is deafening silence.

A rare moment of hope, of expectation

Dashed.

Nothing.

 

Maybe

This is my worst fear!

 

Something good

A flicker of hope

Not for you

No sir!

Taken away

Undeserving.

 

You were kidding weren’t you?

You imagine it might have been you?

Get real!

You can’t have expected she meant you.

Go back to were you come from

Be content, accept mediocrity.

 

Maybe

You sink further into your comfort cave

Safe.

Hidden.

Alone you peer fearfully out

You believe no one is watching

Your embarrassment wrapped up inside,

Protected.

Tomorrow you can again present your ordinariness.

 

All previous fears have been confirmed,

You don’t cut the mustard.

People respond in trepidation

Your past a nightmare

No one should have to suffer you.

Best leave well enough alone

Get on, accept who you are.

 

Monsters prowl your edges

Like a milestone.

Their yolk dragging you into darkness

That makes self-esteem wishful thinking.

A cardboard cut out

Of no substance

A front you promote

For there is nothing more,

Folk cope best that way.

 

Maybe

Its fact, ageing in a material world

You don’t count for shit.

Cast onto the human scrap heap

A nameless body.

No redeemable value,

A face in the crowd of life,

Anonymous.

 

Maybe

It is unreasonable to expect something, a word even?

Keep me in the picture

If it is rejection please say so

Don’t ignore me.

What do you think I will do?

No one can make you love me or anyone.

 

It hurts to go from connection,

A simple question,

‘What do you think?’

It begs a reply

Some affirmation, some response at least, or am I simply clutching at straws?

 

Maybe

I should rely on words not actions

They are more reliable, constant.

People being people will happily let you down

Leave you floundering

Leave you looking stupid.

 

In my most hidden of spaces I console myself.

It might have been worse,

How?

She might have actually turned up

Engaged in conversation

Found you out.

 

What did you lose?

Hope!

 

Maybe

I can drag myself out of this?

Believe in myself!

Stop doubting!

Consider the good things,

People do know you

Some love you, some respect and care for you.

Does it matter what others think?

You know who you are.

 

Maybe

What lies beneath is fact as well

You miss the intimacy of touch

Of being there,

The softness, the tenderness, the acceptance.

For there is only so much the imagination can compensate for.

 

Maybe

What you crave is not for you

At least like you have known it before

Maybe mental anguish is my lot.

Get used to it!

 

Maybe

I should see my reality and move on

Away from the modern day fantasy world of scammers,

Scamming your love and affection,

Scamming your money with not a moment’s hesitation.

In this world you are vulnerable, exploited, ridiculed, ripped off.

Here only callousness exists.

If you are stupid and engage

You are left a village idiot.

 

Reflecting on life is a good thing, they tell us,

Doesn’t remove pain, but you know from where it comes.

Age, fading looks, fear, rejection, no longer a viable proposition,

You can do no more than look on and wonder

What if?

 

Maybe

I can resolve to stop irritating the ones I ‘think’ maybe listening

Resolve to do only what I can manage

Avoid the potential stuff ups.

Be safe

Be boring.

 

Do I descend into that place?

Writing meaningless volumes

About a meaningless man?

Who was I back then?

Do I?

Should I?

No way!

Never!

 

Maybe

I am who I am because I write these lines and imagine what if?

If you don’t like it,

Easy fixed,

Press delete!