I remember looking into the void that was my life and asking myself, is that all there is?
We had reached a crisis point in our lives together. She wanted to move on, to greener pastures she said. That I no longer fulfilled her, that life was now a dull beige in so many ways.
If I was happy to live that way then good for me, but for her she wanted bright lights, glamour, the lure and seduction of the lights that so permeated her world.
She was quick on every occasion, that she felt warranted it, to reveal her dislike of the nothing world I lived in, that I was happy and content to live the same way now as I had always done. That was how she described my beige world.
To me my world was always blue. I saw myself as happy in my blue world, it was a pleasant place to be, I knew my way around, I could relax there, settle back and enjoy the comforts that came with my perception of the blue life.
I remember as a child being dressed in blue, it suited me, my mother would often remark that my eyes dictated to her the colours I would wear throughout life. And she was right, I felt safe in blue.
A sense of identity.
My partners in life saw me differently. That it was to be incumbent on them to get me out of the blue psyche I lived in and dare me to venture into the darker world they inhabited.
I think in hindsight they saw the blue as a threat, I was too comfortable for them.
They wanted me to taste the pain and anguish of the purple and black worlds they lived in.
Places of torment and ridicule where images of themselves, false ones in my opinion had been ingrained upon them and now they were scared and embittered from the overpowering darkness that haunted their worlds.
They couldn’t get away from their darkness’s, they thought their life experience was what made them a superior being to me, so they set about dismantling my blue world and forcing their warped colours and associations upon me.
It came ultimately to no avail. Their colours, their darkness was never to sit well with me.
I fought them, and that fight left me scared, battle weary and damaged, sometimes I feel beyond repair.
But at night. When I am alone. When I pull the blue blankets around me, and slip below the covers, I see my world so much clearer, it may not be perfect and in fact it is a long way from perfect, but it is my blue world, a world in which my soul lives happily and my being can look at itself, see well beyond the void now and feel this is where I belong.
For mindlovemisery’s Prompt 30 – Colour, at : http://mindlovemisery.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/prompt-30-color/